I'm A Monster Piano Solo - Digital Sheet Music

SKU: A0.1945434

The story behind this song is more complex than a typical song I make. My music usually comes to me pretty fast, with the melody usually sticking on the first go around. This time, it took me three tries with three different melodies before I was satisfied with it. I found out later that the reason behind this was due to the nature of the song itself. It's about relationships. This has happened to me in the past when I tried to make a song about relationships, and it's because I try to avoid any and all things that have to do with connections with others due to my bad experiences in the past. This song is about a specific thought process and behavior that I have developed. It's about how, whenever I perceive that someone is becoming distant, I perceive it as a rejection. This perceived rejection causes an extreme reaction and an intense level of anxiety. This reaction has caused me to cut everyone off, not allowing myself to open up to anyone outside of family. I've made music about a few of these events in the past. This type of reaction to a perceived rejection is something that occurred when I was young after my parents' divorce, and stems from the stories told in my songs "Why are the walls shaking?" And "The Broken Mirror." My song "Stuck" then details how my selective mutism, which is discussed in songs like "The Mute" and "Seven Years of Silence," worsened this reaction, causing me to lash out towards others and push them away. This all culminated in a vicious cycle of self hatred and feeling like I was a horrible monster,, which was then "confirmed" by my reactions to perceived rejections in which I pushed people away by saying the most horrible things to them. This finally culminated in me cutting EVERYONE off and attempting suicide, as detailed in "The Attempt." After this, I've just struggled with forming friendships and relationships as a whole, with intense feelings of distrust towards others that have caused me to distance myself from them, doing exactly what I feared was happening to me years ago. I made this song to piece it all together. I know that deep down, I have two very oppositional attitudes about myself. On one hand, I think I'm a monster, and on the other, I think I'm a great person, with the former being confirmed in my head by my own behavior towards others and lack of ability to form connections with others. That is essentially what this song is about. The belief that I'm a monster completely destroys my self esteem and my belief in my ability to do literally anything, and fundamentally hurts me. I want to piece everything together to get a complete picture of who I am, and not a distorted version from a biased point of view. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake the thought that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, and I know its because of what i've gone through. But I'll get there someday.